


One Side, Bittersweet

by CyanoDrake



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Angst, F/M, Quartet Night lives together, Reiji is a good big bro, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-27 01:48:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18294401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyanoDrake/pseuds/CyanoDrake
Summary: Ai was already pretty comfortable with having emotions, but a new one becomes too much for him when it's not reciprocated.“Bittersweet… Rather than being neutral about a combination of bad and good feelings, humans tend to like it… I still don’t understand that.”





	One Side, Bittersweet

Ai was already fairly used to having emotions. After spending so much time around humans, identifying them wasn’t that difficult either. Just on that day, he had felt amusement from seeing a piece of fanart on social media depicting Quartet Night as magical girls, satisfaction from finishing a composition for a job outside his idol work and even second-hand embarrassment from Reiji’s dad jokes, as Ranmaru would call them. 

But at that moment, what he was feeling was something he still couldn’t name.

He sat in a conference room with his group and Haruka for planning a new project. He knew what was the feeling when he had first heard she would work on that new song with them: happiness. After that, anticipation. But why? Of course she had proven several times to be a very skillful composer, but he felt like there was another cause… 

His interest on her had grown substantially in the last weeks, in a very odd way. Her voice suddenly sounded so sweet and pleasant to his ears. Her eyes, which he previously just judged peculiar, invited him to get lost into that unique golden hue, what became more and more difficult to refuse despite him knowing staring makes humans uncomfortable. Her kindness, all her interactions with the other members of the agency felt so warm… Her diligence, the way she took her job so seriously and worked hard to give idols the best songs she could… He wanted to be around her. And probably more than that.

Haruka moved her hand to grab her pen from the table, but somehow knocked it down. Even her clumsy side was strangely alluring… The object rolled to Ai’s feet, he reached down to get it and handed it back. “Thank you, Mikaze-senpai,” she replied with a gentle smile. That was enough to make his artificial heartbeats speed up and his body temperature rise.

Staying fully focused through that meeting wasn’t automatic like usual. His mind insisted on drifting to Haruka, defying his will. Once it was over, he felt relief and… disappointment? Yes, he couldn’t help but want more time with her… What was happening? That increased interest wasn’t like his usual curiosity. It seemed to be another emotion, a major; more constant one generating the several other ones.

That had been the last job of the day. Back to his room in Quartet Night’s apartment, Ai went straight to his computer. What emotion had he not experienced yet? “List of human emotions” went into the browser’s search bar, he clicked the first link and started reading through. One of the items yanked a faint gasp from him: love. “What does falling in love feel like” was the next search, the results confirmed his suspicion. The longing, the inexplicable happiness coming from her presence, his mind’s persistence on occupying itself with her, those were all symptoms. 

What was he supposed to do? When humans fall in love, they start a relationship, but idols aren’t allowed to! Although, of course, nothing would happen if the relationship stayed a secret. A relationship with Haruka… Would he be allowed to feel the warmth of her hands in his? And to kiss those lips as a retribution to the sweet words they always conveyed? Would the two go on dates? Maybe watch the sunset together at the beach? 

The temperature spiked up again, those feelings were surely a lot to process. But he liked them, he was glad to be so human.

* * *

The next day, Ai was still musing on the idea of having a relationship with Haruka. Once again, he had to put extra effort on concentrating at work, even though she wasn’t around.

It was finally lunchtime, but he didn’t feel like eating. Instead of meeting up with one of his groupmates or his kouhais like usual, he decided to do some people-watching. By that lake outside the agency where Starish liked to hang out sounded like a good idea. It was a pleasant location, there were high chances someone would be there.

There was someone, and it was nobody less than Haruka. Sitting on a bench, she had her golden lustrous eyes focused on a book in her hands. It was different from the focused look they had at work, they were amused at the same time. Ai decided against interrupting her and observed from afar. She was so beautiful… 

He zoomed in the book’s cover, a detective novel? Ai found those to be pretty predictable once one gets familiarized with the genre, but he suddenly wanted to read it too and discuss it with her. 

He didn’t disturb her reading, but someone else did. “Haruka!” Tokiya showed up in his field of vision. Her focus shifted to him and she got up to go over him.

“Ichinose-san! You made it!” She was beaming, had she been waiting? 

“I missed you…” Tokiya wrapped his arms around her. What? But as far as Ai knew, he wasn’t a hugger like Natsuki. What was the meaning of that?

Haruka giggled and returned it quickly before pulling away. “Me too, Ichinose-san, but someone could see us.” She started looking around, Ai hid himself behind a tree.

“There isn’t anyone here. And you’re not calling me by my first name.” He stroked Haruka’s cheek, making her look back into his eyes. What was happening? That could be expected from Ren, but Tokiya wasn’t flirtatious like that. 

“Oh, right! Tokiya-san.” That beautiful smile again. But why at him? Why was Haruka being so receptive? Was she accepting that behavior out of fear of sounding rude? Did he need to intervene?

“I’m taking next Sunday off. We could go on a date, is there any place you would like?” A date? Why would they go on a date? No. That couldn’t be happening.

“Hmm, I’ve been thinking about going to the movies.” She agreed with that? Why? No… No, it couldn’t be.

“The movies is it then. Now… I probably should go back before the others miss me.”

“See you later.” Haruka stood on tiptoe and kissed his lips. 

Kissed his lips. 

A burning pain stung Ai’s chest, his temperature started reaching critical levels. Why? Why was Tokiya the one who got to be loved by her? What was so special about him? That wasn’t fair! Tokiya’s feelings meant something to her, but his own didn’t? Was he not good enough for her? A flood of negative feelings suffocated him, that new one was maybe… helplessness? Jealousy? Probably both.

Staying focused at work was even more taxing after that. Maybe he had grown way too human.

* * *

The day was finally over. First thing Ai did getting in his room was to turn on the air conditioner, and then fling himself onto his bed. Deep breaths, he needed to let himself cool down. But the image of Haruka’s lips touching Tokiya’s wouldn’t leave his mind and made something boil inside him. He pressed his pillow against his face and screamed into it in an attempt to get something out. The boiling did subdue after that, but all those negative feelings probably wouldn’t leave so soon.

He hoped they would break up and end up hating each other. But wouldn’t that hurt? He didn’t want Haruka to be hurt… It wasn’t her fault, humans don’t choose who they fall in love with. Tokiya didn’t do anything wrong either… Then why did he wish for that? He was so selfish. Great, now he was feeling guilty too. Another scream into the pillow.

Ai closed his eyes and tried to indulge in the room’s cold temperature until someone knocked on his door. He went to answer it to face Reiji’s concerned smile. “Hello, Ai-Ai,” he greeted in a voice much calmer than his usual peppy, somewhat annoying one. “Can we talk for a moment?” 

Ai couldn’t just tell him to go away when he spoke like that. He nodded and let Reiji in. “What do you want?”

“I thought you were a bit distracted today, that’s not like you.” Reiji sat on the bed. “Did anything upset you?”

“I.. I’m just… experiencing new feelings. It’s nothing to worry about.”

“I see… It’s important for us to be professional, but bottling things up all the time isn’t good for you. You’ll feel better once you get it out of your chest, whatever is happening, I won’t think any less of you.” It was strange to see Reiji being so serious. Ai had the urge to look away, but couldn’t when the other showed a reassuring smile. “I promise this is going to stay between the two of us. I just want to help you.” 

“Fine…” Ai sat by his side. “I… I started having this abnormally increased interest in someone. Upon further analysis, I have concluded… I’m in love with them.” 

“Is it kouhai-chan?”

“H-How did you guess?” His voice came out louder than he intended and he felt his cheeks heat up, this time he couldn’t keep eye contact anymore. No way, even though he did his best to act as usual all that time.

“I noticed you were looking at her in a different way yesterday.” Reiji chuckled, starting to slip into a more playful tone. “Aww, you don’t need to be embarrassed, Ai-Ai! She’s a cutie, I can’t blame you. Just remember idols aren’t allowed to date, that’s a shame…” His pitch lowered on that last sentence, it seemed to carry worry. Did he know? He did know Tokiya well.

“I’m aware she already has someone.” He turned his gaze back to Reiji, maybe he would be able to tell from the other’s reaction.

“Oh? Oh boy... Is it someone we know?” No alterations on his voice, facial expression or body language that would give him away. Just as expected from someone who had been acting and ad-libbing for so many years.

“Cut it out, my calculations say there is a 99% chance you know who I’m talking about. The other 1% consists of you having a guess.”

Reiji sighed. “I keep telling those two to be careful… Please help us keep it a secret, Ai-Ai… You’re really something else, your calculations don’t lie, uh?”

“I didn’t calculate anything, that was a bluff.”

“What?” His pitch rose once more and he pouted. “Ai-Ai, that’s mean!”

Ai simply brought his knees to his chest and hugged them, his gaze then going to the floor. So far, talking about it wasn’t helping him feel much better. It must have been evident, because a hand gently held Ai’s shoulder.

“Unrequited love hurts quite a bit, doesn’t it? And it’s your first love too…”

He glanced at Reiji to see a sad smile before looking down again. Since there was silence, Ai supposed that was his turn to talk. “This sounds so selfish… It shouldn’t hurt… It’s convenient for me that she doesn’t feel the same, since that gives me no motivation to put my career at risk… And it’s not like she owes me anything… It’s not fair to Tokiya either, but…” He didn’t want to say it, it was so irrational. But it still came out. “I want her to like me back…” 

“It’s not your fault, Ai-Ai, love can mess with people. It’s just something powerful that goes very far from reason.”

“I don’t like this… What’s the point of feeling like this if she wants someone else?” More like, what was the point of feeling like that if he wasn’t even allowed to date anyway? Reiji was right, that emotion wouldn’t stop affecting his judgement.

“You know, I think love is beautiful, even when it hurts. I never confessed to anyone even though I’ve had my crushes, but I’ve been confessed to back at Saotome Academy.”

“So… You’ve dated someone in secret before?” He faced Reiji again, starting to get curious.

“No, sadly I didn’t feel the same about her. But we got along well, so we thought it would be a shame if things got awkward between us for too long after that. I gave her some space for as much time as she needed, and then we were back to talking like usual. We eventually drifted apart being busy with our jobs after graduating, but that was after we spent plenty of quality time together with other friends. She was an emotionally intelligent girl.”

“How did you feel about having a friend who loved you romantically?”

“I felt kinda bad for not liking her back, but I gotta admit it was nice to know I meant so much to someone. Once she was back to talking to me, she told me all she wished for was for me to be happy.” Reiji stared off into the distance with a nostalgic smile.

“Do you think it still hurt her?”

“I’m sure it did, but she really didn’t want to let our friendship be ruined. I have memories of noticing a hint of sadness in her eyes a couple times, but we also made many fun memories. She did thank me for staying her friend once. It was bittersweet.”

“Bittersweet… Rather than being neutral about a combination of bad and good feelings, humans tend to like it… I still don’t understand that.”

“Well, when it’s balanced, I think the bitter parts make you appreciate the sweet ones more. Unrequited love goes away with time, so it’s a good idea to think about how you want to remember it once it’s over.“ Reiji let out an awkward chuckle and scratched the back of his head. “I’m sorry, Ai-Ai, I wanted you to vent to me but I spoke too much again, didn’t I?”

“It’s fine, this was a stimulating and reassuring conversation. Thank you, Reiji.”

Reiji smiled from ear to ear. “I’m glad I could help! Remember I’m here for you for whatever you need.” He patted Ai’s back and got up to leave. “Take it easy, ok?”

Alone again and calmer, Ai fell back onto the bed and started to think about how to proceed. He let some ideas expand in his mind for a while until his systems heated up to an uncomfortable temperature once more. A distraction would be most welcome, maybe Ren was online and up for a gaming match.

* * *

It was 6:47 PM, Ai waited at a quiet spot outside the agency’s building. He had told Reiji about his plan on the morning- and dropped the idea of involving Tokiya in that from his groupmate’s reaction- and Haruka should be there in about thirteen minutes. For the first time, he regretted going with his habit to arrive early at meetings, that wait just kept him anxious.

Fortunately, just three more minutes and twenty-two seconds passed until she appeared. “Good evening, Mikaze-senpai! I thought you’d be here early, I hope I didn’t make you wait.” That sweet voice, those bright golden eyes, that warm smile… It all crossed his heart like an arrow, leaving it in awe, but also in pain. “What did you want to talk about?”

But he had to proceed. Ai took a deep breath and tried to ignore his accelerated heart rate and rising body temperature. “Haruka, I like you.” Her eyes went wide with shock, but he didn’t stop there. “But I know you’re in a relationship, I saw you with Tokiya.” She gasped loudly and became red like a tomato. Was he being too straightforward? Well, too late.

“Mi-Mikaze-senpai… I… I…”

“It’s alright, I just want you to be happy. And if that means you being with him, I’ll support you guys.” Ai looked down at his hands, fidgeting with them sounded like an appropriate reaction even thought he usually didn’t. He brought them up about his chest’s height and started pressing the tips of his index fingers together. Yes, that was a bit comforting. “I’m not sure why I’m telling you this… I think… it felt like the right thing to do…” 

“Well... You’re always so honest. Uhm... I don’t think that’s a bad thing...” Her tone stabilized little by little. Ai looked up to see her face was still flushed, she awkwardly rubbed her arm, but she was smiling. Thank goodness. “This is very noble of you, Mikaze-senpai, you’re so mature... I’m so sorry.” Some guilt showed up in her eyes. It didn’t belong there...

“Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong. Just know you’re a wonderful person and I’ll always be rooting for you.”

“Thank you, Mikaze-senpai! I think you’re a wonderful person too, I’m sure you will find someone for you one day.” 

Someone for him… He still wanted that someone to be her so bad… But getting complimented by her, her still being so sweet to him... Haruka’s words stung, but at the same time warmed his heart. So that was what humans called “bittersweet”. “Thank you. Let’s stay in good terms… as colleagues.” He bowed, prompting her to do the same.

“Of course.” Her eyes met his again, tempting him to stop to admire them once more. Was Tokiya aware of how lucky he was to get to gaze into them? To be able to be by her side as so much more than a colleague? He better.

“I have to go.” Ai needed space. He turned away to leave before he could end up saying anything unnecessary to ruin the success of that conversation.

“See you tomorrow.” That’s right, tomorrow… Quartet Night already had another meeting scheduled with her. He should try to get some rest until then, he was suddenly so tired. Ai didn’t want to go through the trouble of naming all the feelings he was bearing at that moment, wondering if he would crash from overheating if he tried.

The trip back to the apartment was long. He got inside to see Reiji reading a magazine on the couch. He put it down and shifted a somewhat worried gaze to Ai. 

“Welcome back, Ai-Ai. How did it go?”

“It went as planned, she took it pretty well. I’m glad,” Ai’s voice suddenly cracked, “I did that.” Then came the tears. Why was he crying right there? He thought he would be able to at least get to his room first. 

Reiji came close and embraced him in silence, Ai gave into the urge to cling to him and sob into his shoulder. He tried to focus on the hand gently rubbing his back rather than the storm of emotions inside his chest. 

Ai wasn’t sure if he was glad about becoming human enough to go through that experience, but it was probably just a matter of time until those memories were not so bitter anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you RenSummer for beta reading!


End file.
